Ikechukwu’s nose is broken and dripping with gooey red blood. Ikechukwu isn’t a boxer though. Ikechukwu has never even been in a fight since infancy, when Mimi snatched his cookie, babbled something and then hurried off in her wet diaper. Ikechukwu is also one of those fortunate few who have never been in an accident.
The source of Ikechukwu’s broken nose will, in fact, shock you if you hear of it. Here’s why it will shock you—it was the handiwork of a woman. And as you well know, Ikechukwu is a man.
I can’t tell you that Ikechukwu has ever had a thing for dykes or butch females. I can’t even tell you that this thing happened because he is spineless, which of course, he is. I can’t tell you the latter because it was never about strength or agility.
But I can tell you that words can either make or mar you. I can advise you to desist from ambiguity. I can tell you to leave no room for diffidence—say what you mean and mean what you say.
Now, Ikechukwu is sitting on my bench with glazed eyes. He is holding his head up to reduce the blood flow. He is here in my chemist groaning and asking for Ibuprofen. I am helping him wipe his nose with some tissue paper. I am sniggering and laughing in short bursts as I do this. I am laughing because it is all funny to me.
The two kinds of women I have always warned my friends about are virgins and local champions. Unless your native doctor requests it, avoid virgins. Local champions, on the other hand, are only good for sex and never for love making, because, of course, they are local. As my people say, you can remove a woman from the village, but you can’t remove the village from a woman. Now, the reason I warn against these kinds of women is they are both inexperienced.
To cut the long story short, Ikechukwu is here because his neighbor’s new maid from the village—whose calves are as thick as Okonkwo’s yam tubers—finally slipped into his room for a quick one. Ikechukwu is here because when he was done wriggling out of his newly-washed-and-perfumed underpants to reveal his erect Babylon Soldier, he made the grievous mistake of asking Nkechinyere for a blow.